I’ve seen my mom married three times. I’ve seen my dad married twice. And while they both finally found a happily-ever-after, excuse me if I’m a little no-nonsense when it comes to matters of my heart.
I know there has been a time when I wanted nothing more than someone to share each little moment with, I remember feeling that way, but I don’t remember what it feels like. I seriously lay down every night and love that I have the entire bed to myself. I love eating, reading, binge watching, working out, and grocery shopping, without having to consult a single person. I’m not bitter towards love, nor do I plan on spending the rest of my life without a partner. But it is MY life and I don’t feel quite like sharing it yet. There wasn’t a terrible past relationship that shriveled my heart into that of the Grinch’s. Of course my heart’s been broken before, but I’m pretty sure you get to know your heart best while putting it back together from its most damaged place. The only way having your heart broken can be worth it though, is if you soak up every ounce of growth that the experience has to offer. However, because I know what my heart wants, and doesn’t want, I really have no patience for pretending or hoping that something works out when it just doesn’t feel right.
I know people my age who are on their second marriage, second mortgage, and second child, and don’t get me wrong, all of those milestones come with great opportunities for growth. I love watching my friends get happily married and grow their families. I am so lucky that I have people who share those parts of their lives with me, but just like there’s nothing wrong with them living those big life moments, there’s nothing wrong with me actively choosing not to embark on those journeys just yet.
Really listening to my gut, and doing what I know I need to do for my own happiness, has never led me down the wrong path. It’s when you start to listen to what others think you’re supposed to be doing, that things get confusing.
“You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it’s better to listen to what it has to say.”-The Alchemist
There are so many adventures that I’ve promised myself, and I refuse to wake up one day next my gorgeous silver-fox and regret that I didn’t go hike the Camino in Spain, all on my own. I will not passive aggressively make my partner breakfast and resent them for being the reason that I’m not tasting new foods in Portugal. And yes, before you ask, it would be swell to have a traveling partner in crime… one day, but not today.
I’m not in the business of being saved, or saving anyone else, but with a little luck one day I’ll share my Netflix password with another equally badass individual who loves NPR as much as I do.
..right now what my heart wants is to explore every corner of being independent.